truyện cười

One Wish (Một điều ước)

A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

Man says: “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”

Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says: “Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area”. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: “Could I please have another look at the dog???”

Lost Again (lại lạc)

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Grammar notes

– talk to someone: nói chuyện với ai I talk to a beautiful woman.

– nowhere: không nơi nào, không ở đâu, chốn hư vô …my wife appears out of nowhere.

Little Johnny Boy

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying.
“Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”.

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”

Dress Code ( Quy cách ăn mặc)

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a woman trained employees in proper dress codes and etiquette

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator and a man, casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on the elevator with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded the man,

“Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?”

The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the company….”.

Grammar notes:

– Câu hỏi đuôi (Tag question) Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?

+ think of something, someone: nghĩ về ai, cái gì Thinking of her responsibilities.

Thoughts and quotes…

-The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
***
-Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life

-Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn’t have anything to do with it. *** – Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? – They already have boyfriends. *** – What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? – A widow

New words and phrases:

– to reject:phản đối, bác bỏ…

They rejected his demand.

– Experiment:thí nghiệm, thử nghiệm.

The play was staged as an experiment.

– Widow: người đàn bà góa phụ, quả phụ.

– Cấu trúc:

+ talk about: nói về, bàn về. we’ll talk about that point latter.

Tired

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He’s just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says:

“What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, woman lying next to you?”

He replied. “Don’t worry honey I’d stay faithful!”

The post turtle

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.
Old man: “All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle.”

Doctor: “Oh? What is a post turtle?”

Old man: “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a Post Turtle.” “You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down.”

Grammar Notes:

Post turtle: là một cụm từ thường được sử dụng khi bàn luận về chính trị ở một số quốc gia bao gồm Mỹ, Canada, dựa trên một câu truyện cười cổ. Nhiều nhà chính trị đã được mang ra làm ví dụ trong mẩu truyện cười này trong đó có George Bush, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton và Stephen Harper.

– belong somewhere: thuộc về nơi nào He doesn’t belong there.

– come across: đi ngang qua You come across a fence post.

Paying in advance

A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened and he then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

Grammar notes:

– Thì quá khứ tiếp diễn (past continuous tense): was/ were + .ing A motorist was driving by a Texas ranch. A calf that was crossing the road.

– Thì tương lai hoàn thành (future perfect) will/would + have + V.p2 But in six years it would have been worth $900.

Stop being late to work (Đừng đi làm muộn nữa)

Sharon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

Her boss was mad at her and threatened to fire her if she didn’t do something about it. So Sharon went to her doctor who gave her a pill and told her to take it before she went to bed. Sharon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. She had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, she said, ” The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine,” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”

Grammar notes:

+ get up: thức dậy Sharon had this problem of getting up late in the morning.

+ be mad at somebody: bực tức, điên lên với ai đó Her boss was mad at her.

Who are Liars?

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”

The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, “Now all who have prepared for today’s lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front.” Half the class stood up and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher, “these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark!”

Note: Sunday school – trường học mở vào ngày chủ nhật, thường là do nhà thờ tổ chức. Mục đích: dạy về tôn giáo cho trẻ em hoặc dạy học miễn phí cho trẻ em ngèo, khó khăn…

Grammar notes:

– Thì quá khứ tiếp diễn (past continuous tense): was/ were + V.ing A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment

– Cấu trúc:

+ be going to: sẽ làm gì đó trong tương lai (gần như chắc chắn sẽ làm, đã được lên lịch) We are going to talk about liars,…

+ want somebody to do something: muốn ai làm gì đó I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark

A Bad Interview

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”

“It’s called the door!”

Grammar notes:

+ apply for: nộp đơn, đăng kí vào (công việc, vị trí…) A man went to apply for a job.

Knows when to stop …

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him. “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”

Grammar notes

– walk/ go into something: đi vào, đi tới đâu đó A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.

– order something: gọi, kêu (đồ ăn, uống…) Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.

A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to GOD for it. He prayed for two weeks not nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write GOD a letter requesting the $100

When the post office received the letter addressed to GOD, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows:

“Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, as usual, those thieving bastards deducted $95 for taxes.

Grammar notes

+ want something very badly: Khao khát, ao ước mãnh liệt, mong có được cái gì đó A little boy wanted $100 very badly.

+ pray God for something: cầu xin chúa ban cho cái gì đó His mother told him to pray to GOD for it.

+ so + adj + that + 1 mệnh đề: … đến nỗi… The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5

Why worry?

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won’t have time to worry.

Notes:

– to worry about something: lo nghĩ, lo lắng về điều gì.

In life there are two things to worry about

– get well: khỏe lại (sau khi ốm)

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about.

Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about your homework again.”

“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”

“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But, just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”

“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

Grammar notes:

– Tính từ ngắn và dạng so sánh hơn nhất: the + adj.est
That wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

– Thể bị động ở thì quá khứ đơn: was/ were + V.p2
You see, the plane was hijacked!

– Cấu trúc:
+ make something into something: Làm, chế biến…(nguyên liệu) thành…..( sản phẩm)
I accidentally made my homework paper into a paper airplane.

+ let somebody do something: để, cho phép ai làm gì (động từ phía sau luôn ở dạng nguyên thể không có ‘to’
I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.

Can’t Sleep(Mất ngủ)

The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: “Oh! Don’t you sleep at night?”

Civil servant: “Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too – but I find it’s very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.”

Grammar notes:

– be able to do something: Có thể làm gì đó – be unable to do something: Không thể làm gì đó … and complained of being unable to sleep.

+ most of…: hầu hết, gần như I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings.

+ ‘too’ được thêm vào cuối câu với nghĩa là ‘cũng…’

+ find it difficult to do something: thấy/ gặp khó khăn trong việc làm gì đó. I find it’s very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.

Knows when to stop …

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him. “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”

Grammar notes

– walk/ go into something: đi vào, đi tới đâu đó A man walks into a bar and orders one shot.

– order something: gọi, kêu (đồ ăn, uống…) Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.

Absent-minded (Đãng trí)

My uncle is so absent-minded. The other day he went home early and knew there was something he wanted to do, but could not remember, what it was.

He sat till twelve trying to remember. Then he remembered. He wanted to go to bed early!

Grammar notes:

+ absent-minded: (adj) lơ đãng, hay quên My uncle is so absent-minded.

+ The other day: có một ngày, một ngày nào đó trước đây… The other day he went home early…

So Happy(Thật hạnh phúc)

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
“Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour?”

The hubby replied: “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”

Grammar notes:

– So sánh hơn nhất với tính từ ngắn: adj + ‘est’
That was the happiest hour of my life.

– Cấu trúc:

+ propose (mariage) to someone: cầu hôn ai
When you proposed to me.

Bad luck(Xui xẻo)

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said,

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Grammar notes:

– Thì quá khứ hoàn thành tiếp diễn (past perfect continues tense): had + been + V.p2 A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months

– Cấu trúc:

+ slipping in and out of a coma: tình trạng lúc tỉnh lúc mê

+ sit by someone: ngồi cạnh ai đó As she sat by him…

+by someone’s side: ở bên ai đó You were still by my side.

+ bring someone something: mang lại cho ai cái gì I think you bring me bad luck.

Last Wishes

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark skin and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me — is our youngest son my child?”

The wife replied, “I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son.”

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

Grammar notes:

– Mạo từ “the”: dùng khi nhắc lại người, vật đã nhắc tới trước đó. A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair…..: the older three = older three boys (in four boys) while the youngest son had….: the youngest son = the youngest boy (in four boys)

– pass away: qua đời With that the husband passed away.

A bad day (Một ngày tồi tệ)

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,…” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Grammar notes:

– Cấu trúc:

+ to cool one’s heels: đứng chờ mỏi gối I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail.

+ count on something: hy vọng, trông mong ở cái gì đó Don’t count on it.

Listen

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same steep narrow mountain road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, “PIG!!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “BITCH!!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he runs into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen……………..

Grammar notes:

– Thì hiện tại tiếp diễn (present continues tense): am/ is/ are + V.ing A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same steep narrow mountain road

– Cấu trúc:

+ to lean out (of something): nhoài, ngả người The woman leans out of the window. The man immediately leans out of his window

+ to run into something: đâm vào, đụng vào He runs into a pig in the middle of the road.

Rabbit Hunt ( Săn thỏ)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbit do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Grammar notes:

– Cấu trúc:

+ try to do something: cố gắng làm gì đó …the CIA are all trying to prove that …

+ throughout: từ đầu tới cuối, xuyên suốt (giới từ, phó từ) They place animal informants throughout the forest.

Theater Outing ( ở rạp hát)

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager”. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where are you from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The balcony.”

Grammar notes:

– Thì tương lai gần với cấu trúc: be going to do something I’m going to have to call the manager

– Cấu trúc:

+ whispered to: thì thầm với ai He whispered to the cowboy.

+ get up: dậy, ngồi dậy, đứng dậy If you don’t get up from there…

Punishment (Hình phạt)

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.

“What a rip off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Grammar notes:

– Thể bị động (passive voice): be + V.ed2 A man was sent to Hell. (ở thì quá khứ đơn) He was being taken to his place. (ở thì quá khứ tiếp diễn)

– Cấu trúc:

+ rip off: hành động gian lận, trộm cắp, sự bóc lột, lợi dụng… What a rip off.

+ have to do something: phải làm (điều gì đó) I have to roast for all eternity.

Eating Grass ( Ăn cỏ)

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men “Why are you eating the grass?”

“We don’t have money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.

The man answered “But sir, I have a wife and two children!”

“Bring them along” replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, “Come with us.”

“But sir, I have a wife and six children?” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”

Notes:

1 foot = 0, 3048 m

come along with = go with (somebody)

Smart Doggy ( Chú chó thông minh)

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter…
First Woman: My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman: I know…

First Woman: How?

Second Woman: My dog told me.

Grammar notes:

– Thì hiện tại tiếp diễn (present continuous tense): be (are/is/am) + V.ing Two women that are dog owners are arguing.

– “Which” và câu lựa chọn: ta dùng which trong câu có ý lựa chọn ‘cái này’ hay ‘cái kia’: which dog(=this dog or that dog) : con chó nào (con này hay con kia)

– Cấu trúc:

+ so + tính từ: thật là… so smart

+ and then: và rồi and then he takes the newspaper

Factory Owner ( Ông chủ xí nghiệp)

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

“Just how much are you being paid a week?” said the owner angrily.

“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands, and said “Here’s a week’s pay — now get out and don’t come back!”

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said “How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?”

“He doesn’t work here,” said the supervisor. “He was just here to deliver a pizza!”

Grammar notes:

– Thì quá khứ đơn (simple past tense): V.ed The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit. He noticed a young man. The owner counted out $300.

– Thì hiện tại hoàn thành tiếp diễn (present perfect continuous tense): have/has + been + V.ing How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?

– Thể bị động (passive voice): be + V.ed2 Just how much are you being paid a week?

– Cấu trúc:

+ check up: kiểm tra check up on his staff

+ lean against something: dựa, tựa vào cái gì đó leaning lazily against a post

Three Envelopes ( Ba cái phong bì)

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him:

Three months later there is major drama, everything goes wrong – the usual stuff – and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes!”

Grammar notes:

– Thì hiện tại hoàn thành (present perfect tense): Have/has + V.ed2 I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer.

– Cấu trúc

+ parting words: lời nói lúc chia tay He remembers the parting words of his predecessor.

+ gets off the hook: thoát khỏi mối đe dọa, sự nguy hại He does this and gets off the hook.

Did You Ever Wonder?( Bạn đã bao giờ tự hỏi)

Can you cry under water?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he call?

(Tại Mỹ thì số máy 911 là số máy gọi cứu trợ khẩn cấp, lúc nguy cấp cần sự giúp đỡ của cứu thương hay cảnh sát bạn đều có thể gọi số máy này)

Grammar notes:

– Động từ khuyết thiếu “Can” Can you cry under water?

– Cấu trúc:

+grow on: lớn lên, phát triển Money doesn’t grow on trees.

+wake up: thức dậy Babies wake up like every two hours.

Answering machine

Hi, you’ve reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now

If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Grammar notes:

– Thì hiện tại hoàn thành (present perfect tense): have/has + V.ed2 you’ve reached the home of George Ledec. (=have reached)

– Thì hiện tại tiếp diễn (present continuous tense): to be (am/are/is) + V.ing If you are calling to collect a student loan… If you are selling any product or service,…

– Cụm từ

+ hang up: gác máy, cúp máy (sau khi nghe điện thoại) Please press 1 and hang up now.

+ Otherwise: Trạng từ (thường đứng ở đầu 1 câu): nếu không thì… Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.

Unsolved Mystery (Bí mật chưa được giải đáp)

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says:”What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answers Juan.

The guard says:”We’ll just see about that – get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks: “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard,”I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says: “Bicycles.”

Grammar notes:

Cấu trúc:

– to get off: ra khỏi nơi nào đó

get off the bike

– to rip something apart: rạch, xé, tách cái gì đó (ra làm 2 mảnh), mổ xẻ ra…

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart: Anh biên phòng thu giữ những cái bao và rạch chúng ra.

– nothing but …: Chẳng có gì ngoài….

nothing in them but sand: chẳng có gì trong đó ngoài cát

– to have something done: Việc gì của một người được thực hiện bằng cách thuê hay nhờ người khác chứ không phải do chính người đó làm.

He has the sand analyzed: Anh cho kiểm tra số cát đó (người khác kiểm tra chứ không phải anh tự làm)

– put something in to something/somewhere: đặt, để vật gì đó ở trên cái gì/đâu đó

puts the sand into new bags: để cát vào những cái bao mới

– show up: lộ mặt, xuất hiện

Juan doesn’t show up one day: Đến một ngày Juan không xuất hiện nữa.

– drive someone crazy: làm ai đó tức điên lên

It’s driving me crazy: Điều đó làm tôi phát điên.

Unsolved Mystery (Bí mật chưa được giải đáp)

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says:”What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answers Juan.

The guard says:”We’ll just see about that – get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks: “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard,”I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says: “Bicycles.”

Grammar notes:

Cấu trúc:

– to get off: ra khỏi nơi nào đó

get off the bike

– to rip something apart: rạch, xé, tách cái gì đó (ra làm 2 mảnh), mổ xẻ ra…

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart: Anh biên phòng thu giữ những cái bao và rạch chúng ra.

– nothing but …: Chẳng có gì ngoài….

nothing in them but sand: chẳng có gì trong đó ngoài cát

– to have something done: Việc gì của một người được thực hiện bằng cách thuê hay nhờ người khác chứ không phải do chính người đó làm.

He has the sand analyzed: Anh cho kiểm tra số cát đó (người khác kiểm tra chứ không phải anh tự làm)

– put something in to something/somewhere: đặt, để vật gì đó ở trên cái gì/đâu đó

puts the sand into new bags: để cát vào những cái bao mới

– show up: lộ mặt, xuất hiện

Juan doesn’t show up one day: Đến một ngày Juan không xuất hiện nữa.

– drive someone crazy: làm ai đó tức điên lên

It’s driving me crazy: Điều đó làm tôi phát điên.

Adam’s suit

A little girl opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. She looked at the old pages as she turned them. The Bible had belonged to her grandmother.

Then something fell out of the Bible. She picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages.

“Momma, look what I found”, the girl called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young girl’s voice she answered, “I think it’s Adam’s suit!!!!!”

Grammar notes

– Thì quá khứ đơn (simple past tense): V.ed

opened, looked,

– Thì quá khứ hoàn thành: had + V.ed

The Bible had belonged to his grandmother

Some short jokes

Husband says; “When I’m gone you’ll never find another man like me”.
Wife replied; “What makes you think I’d want another man like you!”

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It’s $5. if you make your own bed.

Guest: I’ll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Grammar notes

– I’m gone: trong câu này gone là tính từ, (nghĩa: chết, qua đời) chứ không phải dạng quá khứ của “go”

– used to do something: thường hay làm gì trong quá khứ, hiện tại không còn lặp lại hành động, sự việc đó nữa.

I used to pray for a bike (bây giờ không “pray for a bike” nữa mà “pray for forgiveness”

Wrong Number (Nhầm số)

Man calls home. Maid answers phone.
He says, “Can I speak to my wife?”
She says, “No, she’s upstairs in bed with her boyfriend.”

He’s mad–says, “Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both.”

Being the loyal maid, she says, “Ok.”

5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, “Ok, they’re both dead. What should I do with the bodies?”

He says, “Throw them in the pool, and I’ll take care of them when I get home.”

She says, “We don’t have a pool.”

He asks, “Is this 555-1234?”

Visiting a country school

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.

Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.

A few minutes later, a small girl stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

In The Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”

The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

Grammar notes:

Cấu trúc

– work for: làm việc cho ai, đơn vị nào.

I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.

I work for the 3M Company

I work for 7-UP.

Lonely Child

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?” “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

Grammar notes:

Cấu trúc

– eager to do something: hăm hở, háo hức làm gì đó

eager to help

– making progress: đạt được tiến bộ, bước tiến trong việc gì

Job Competition

Two bright young engineers applied for the same position at a computer company. Since they had identical qualifications, the company asked the two applicants to take a ten-question test.

At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager’s office.

“I have graded the test, and you both scored nine correct answers and got one answer wrong. Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you choose him if we both got nine questions correct?” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the Department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the Department manager, “The other gentleman answered Question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ Your answer to Question #5 was, ‘Neither do I’.'”

Grammar notes

– to apply for: đăng kí, nộp đơn cho công việc gì

applied for a position at a computer company: nộp đơn cho 1 vị trí ở công ty máy tính.

– Thể bị động (passive voice): to be + V.ed

was called: bị, được gọi

Late Tom

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

Parachute (nhảy dù)

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appea

As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her

“Do you know anything about parachutes?”

“No”, she says, “do you know anything about gas stoves?”

Grammar notes:

Cấu trúc:

– go + V.ing: Khi nói đi cắm trại, đi leo núi, đi trượt tuyết, nhảu dù… động từ đứng sau “go” được thêm “ing” vào sau.

goes skydiving

– jumps out of + somewhere: nhảy ra khỏi + nơi nào đó

jumps out of the plane: nhảy ra khỏi máy bay

Sneaking In

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no !” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Grammar notes

– break into: đột nhập vào who had broken into his house the night before

The young businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,

“Can I help you?”

The man said,

“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Grammar notes:

1. Thì quá khứ (past tense): V.ed

rent – rented, see – saw, pick – picked, start – started, throw – threw, make – made, hang – hung, ask – asked, say – said

2. Thì quá khứ hoàn thành (past perfect tense): had + V.ed

had started

3. Thì hiện tại hoàn thành (present perfect tense): have/has + V.ed

have come

4. Cấu trúc:

– have something done (V.ed): việc gì đó được làm bởi nhờ hay thuê người khác.

had it furnished: (it=căn phòng) được trang trí (thuê người khác trang trí chứ không phải chủ căn phòng đó làm)

The Hen And The Dog

Jones : “Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your garden”
Smith : “That’s all right, my dog ate your hen”
Jones : “Fine! I just ran over your dos and killed him”.
Gà và chó

Jones : Xin lỗi anh bạn vì con gà nhà tôi sút chuồng và bới nát khu vườn của anh.
Smith : Không sao đâu, con chó nhà tôi đã xơi tái con gà của anh rồi.
Jones : Hay quá! Tôi vừa mới cán chết con chó nhà anh đây này.
Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men “Why are you eating the grass?”
“We don’t have money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.
The man answered “But sir, I have a wife and two children!”
“Bring them along” replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, “Come with us.”
“But sir, I have a wife and six children?” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!” replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.”
Ăn cỏ
Một chiều nọ, một vị luật sư đang ngồi sau chiếc limousine của ông thì nhìn thấy hai người đàn ông đang ăn cỏ ở dọc đường. Ông ta lệnh cho tài xế dừng lại và đi ra để tìm hiểu.
Ông hỏi một người đàn ông: “ Tại sao các ông lại ăn cỏ?”
“Chúng tôi không có tiền mua thức ăn” người đàn ông nghèo trả lời.
“Ồ, hãy đi với ta.” Vị luật sư nói
Người đàn ông kia trả lời “Nhưng thưa ngài, tối có một vợ và hai đứa con”
“Đưa họ theo” vị luật sư bảo. Luật sư quay sang người kia và nói “Hãy đi theo chúng ta”
“Nhưng thưa ngài, tôi có một vợ và sáu đứa con?” Người đàn ông thứ hai trả lời.
“Đưa họ cùng đi luôn!” vị luật sư bảo khi ông đi về chiếc limo. Tất cả cùng lên xe.
Trên đường đi, một trong hai người đàn ông nghèo nói: “Thưa ông, ông thật quá tốt. Cám ơn ông đã đưa tất cả chúng tôi đi cùng”
Luật sư trả lời: “Không có vấn đề gì. Cỏ ở sân nhà tôi chắc phải cao cả foot rồi”

Why Do They Have French Lesson?

“What’s the idea of the Greens having French lessons ?”
“They have adopted a French baby, and want to understand what she says when she begins to talk”.
Học tiếng Pháp để là gì ?
– Vì cớ gì mà gia đình Green lại học tiếng Pháp chứ?
– Họ vừa nhận nuôi một bé sơ sinh người Pháp nên muốn hiểu nó sẽ nói gì khi bắt đầu tập nói.
Great Mystery

Newsboy : “Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?”
Passerby : “Here boy, I’ll take one” (After reading a moment) “Say, boy, there’s nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?”
Newsboy : “That’s the mystery, sir. You’re the fifty first victim”.
Bí mật khủng khiếp
Chú bé bán báo : – Bí mật khủng khiếp đây! Năm mươi nạn nhân! Mua báo không, thưa ông?
Khách qua đường : – Lại đây, tao lấy một tờ. (Ðọc qua một hồi) – Này, thằng nhóc kia, trong báo có thấy tin nào như vậy đâu. Nó nằm ở chỗ nào chớ?
Chú bé bán báo : – Ðó chính là điều bí mật, thưa ông. Ông là nạn nhân thứ năm mươi mốt đấy.
The French People Have Difficulty

“Did you have any difficulty with your French in Paris ?”
“No, but the French people did”
Người Pháp không rành tiếng Pháp

– Anh có gặp khó khăn gì với vốn tiếng Pháp của anh khi tới Paris không?
– Không có, nhưng người Pháp thì quả là có.
Let’s Work Together

“Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?”
“That’s just where I want to go. Let’s work together. You go south, and I’ll go north, and we’ll report progress every time we meet”
Ta hãy phối hợp với nhau
– Nhờ anh chỉ cho đường đến bưu điện ?
– Chính tôi cũng muốn tới đó. Ta hãy phối hợp với nhau. Anh đi hướng nam, tôi đi hướng bắc, và chúng ta sẽ tường thuật lại tiến triển mỗi khi mình gặp nhau.

A Cow Grazing

Artist : “That, sir, is a cow grazing”
Visitor : “Where is the grass ?”
Artist : “The cow has eaten it”
Visitor : “But where is the cow ?”
Artist : “You don’t suppose she’d be fool enough to stay there after she’d eaten all the grass, do you ?”

Bò ăn cỏ

Họa sĩ : – Bức tranh đó vẽ một con bò đang ăn cỏ đấy, thưa ông.

Khách : – Có thấy cỏ đâu ?

Họa sĩ : – Con bò ăn hết rồi.

Khách : – Thế còn con bò đâu ?

Họa sĩ : – Chứ bộ ông tưởng con bò lại ngu đến mức đứng ỳ ở đó sau khi đã ăn hết cỏ sao ông ?
A Policeman And A Reporter

Country Policeman (at the scene of murder) : “You can’t come in here”
Reporter : “But I’ve been sent to do the murder”
Country Policeman : “Well, you’re too late; the murder’s been done”.
Cảnh sát và phóng viên
Cảnh sát vùng quê (tại hiện trường một vụ án mạng) : – Anh không được vào đây. Phóng viên : – Nhưng tôi được phái đến đây làm vụ án mạng này. Cảnh sát vùng quê : – A, anh muộn mất rồi ; vụ án mạng đã làm xong.
My Daughter’s Music Lessons

“My daughter’s music lessons are a fortune to me ?”
“How is that ?”
“They enabled me to buy the neighbors’ houses at half price”.
Giá trị của những bài học nhạc
– Những bài học nhạc của con gái tôi là cả một gia sản của tôi đó.
– Tại sao vậy ?
– Chúng giúp tôi mua được các ngôi nhà của hàng xóm chỉ bằng nửa giá tiền thôi.

The River Isn’t Deep

A stranger on horse back came to a river with which he was unfamiliar. The traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
“No”, replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted : “I thought you said it wasn’t deep ?”
“It isn’t”, was the boy’s reply : “it only takes grandfather’s ducks up to their middles !”
Dòng sông không sâu
Một lữ khách đi ngựa đến một dòng sông xa lạ. Ông ta hỏi một thiếu niên xem dòng sông ấy có sâu không.
– Không đâu, – chú bé đáp, và người kỵ mã bắt đầu vượt sông. Nhưng ngay sau đó ông nhận ra cả người lẫn ngựa đều phải bơi trối chết.
Khi người lữ khách đã tới bờ bên kia, ông quay lại hét lên : – Tao cứ tưởng mày nói là sông không sâu.
– Ðúng thế mà, – chú bé đáp, – nước sông này chỉ ngập ngang bụng lũ vịt của ông cháu thôi.
Money And Friends

“Since he lost his money, half his friends don’t know him any more”
“And the other half ?” “They don’t know yet that has lost it”
Tiền và bạn
– Từ ngày hắn mất tiền, phân nửa bạn bè của hắn không còn biết tới hắn nữa. – Còn nửa kia ? – Họ chưa biết là hắn đã mất tiền.
Mistake?

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if she could see her license.
She replied in a huff.
“ I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

Lỗi gì?

Một sĩ quan cảnh sát dừng một cô gái tóc vàng vì vượt quá tốc độ cho phép và hỏi cô một cách rất lịch sự rằng liệu anh có thể xem bằng lái của cô. Cô nàng trả lời một cách hết sức giận dữ:
“Tôi mong rằng các anh có thể kết hợp làm việc cùng nhau. Mới ngày hôm qua các anh thu bằng lái của tôi và hôm nay anh hy vọng tôi trình nó cho anh”
Went out in my slippers

Len and Jim worked for the same company. One day, Len lent Jim 20 dollars, but then Jim left his job and went to work in another town without paying Len back his 20 dollars.
Len did not see Jim for a year, and then he heard from another friend that Jim
was in town and staying at the central hotel, so he went to see him there late
in the evening.
He found out the number of Jim’s room from the clerk at the
desk downstairs and went up to find him. When he got to the room, he saw Jim’s
shoes outside the door, waiting to be cleaned.
“Well, he must be in,” he
thought, and knocked at the door.
There was no answer.
He knocked again.
Then he said,
“I know you’re in, Jim. Your shoes are out here’.
“I went
out in my slippers,” answered a voice from inside the room.
Tôi đã mang
dép đi ra ngoài rồi.

Len và Jim cùng làm việc cho một công ty. Một hôm
Len cho Jim vay 20 đô la, nhưng sau đó Jim bỏ việc và đi làm ở một thị trấn khác
mà không trả 20 đô la cho Len.
Len không gặp Jim trong một năm trời, và anh
nghe một người bạn nói là Jim đang có mặt trong thị trấn và ở tại khách sạn
trung tâm, do đó anh tới gặp Jim vào chiều tối hôm đó.
Anh tìm được số phòng
của Jim là nhờ người tiếp tân dưới lầu và lên lầu tìm Jim. Khi tới phòng, anh
thấy đôi giày của Jim để ngoài cửa đang chờ được đánh bóng.
“Chắc hẳn anh ta
phải có ở trong phòng.” Len nghĩ thầm và gõ cửa.
Không có tiếng trả
lời.
Anh lại gõ cửa lần nữa rồi nói:
“ Tôi đã biết cậu ở trong phòng, Jim
ạ. Đôi giày của cậu ở ngòai này mà.”
“Tôi đã mang dép đi ra ngòai rồi.” Câu
trả lời từ trong phòng vọng ra.
Most wanted

Little Johnny’s kindergarden class was on a field trip to their locl police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men.
One of the kids poined to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”
So, Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Bị truy nã

Lớp mẫu giáo của bé Johnny có một chuyến thăm quan thực tế tới đồn cảnh sát địa phương, nơi lũ trẻ nhìn thấy những bức ảnh của mười gã đàn ông bị truy nã gắn trên bảng tin. Một trong số những đứa trẻ chỉ vào một bức ảnh và hỏi liệu đó có phải là ảnh của một kẻ bị truy nã không?
-“Ừ, phải rồi”. Viên cảnh sát trả lời, “Các thám tử rất muốn bắt hắn.”
– “Sao chú không bắt khi chú chụp ảnh hắn?”, bé Johnny hỏi.

What a woman!!!

Three blonde guys are stranded on one side of a wide river and don’t know how to get across.

The first blonde guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turns hom into a brown-haired man, and he swam across.

The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man, so he builded a boat and rows across. Thế mới là phụ nữ Ba gã đàn ông tóc vàng bị mắc cạn tại bờ của một con sông rộng và không biết làm thế nào để có thể đi qua.

Gã tóc vàng thứ nhất cầu Chúa xin cho hắn đủ thông minh để nghĩ được cách qua sông. Chúa trời biến anh ta thành người đàn ông tóc nâu, và anh ta bơi qua.

Gã tóc vàng thứ hai cầu chúa xin cho hắn thông minh hơn để có thể nghĩ ra một cách tốt hơn để qua sông. Chúa trời biến anh ta thành một người đàn ông tóc đỏ, bởi vậy anh ta đóng một con thuyền và chèo.

A matter of punctuation

An English professior wrote the words, “Woman withour her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Sự díc dắc của cách chấm câu

Một giáo sư tiếng Anh viết những từ “ Đàn bà không có người đàn ông của mình thì không là gì cả” lên bảng và hướng dẫn sinh viên của mình chấm câu một cách chính xác.
Các sinh viên nam viết: “ Đàn bà, nếu không có đàn ông, không là gì cả.”
Các sinh viên nữ viết: “ Đàn bà! Nếu không có đàn ông không là gì cả.”

Beggar

Why do you beg?”
“The truth is I beg to get money for booze (drink).”
“Why do you drink?”
“To give me the courage to beg”.

Kẻ ăn xin

“Tại sao anh lại ăn xin?”
“Sự thực là tôi xin tiền để uống rượu.”
“Tại sao anh lại uống rượu?”
“Để tôi có can đảm đi ăn xin”

He drew it all himself

Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack?
Jack: Nobody, sir.

Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you?
Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himseil.

Chỉ mình anh ấy vẽ

Giáo viên: “Ai đã giúp em vẽ tấm bản đồ này, Jack?”
Jack: “Không ai hết, thưa thầy.”
Giáo viên: “Có phải anh của em đã giúp em không?”
Jack: “Không, thưa thầy. Anh ấy vẽ một mình thôi ạ.”

It’s coconut

Mike was not well. He was tired all the time, and his head often hurt.
“Go to doctor”, his wife said.

Mike did not like visiting the doctor, but after a week, he went. The doctor asked him a lot of questions and him a lot of questions and wrote Mike’s ansewers down.
“What do you eat in the morning?” he asked him.
“Eggs, bread, butter, jam and coffee,” Mike answered.
“And what lunch do you have?” the doctor asked.
“Meat or fisd and bread.”
“And what do you have in the evening?” the doctor asked.
“Eggs and bread.”
The the doctor said.
“Eat some fruit every day, and eat all the skin of the fruit. The skin is very good. What fruit do you like best?”
Mike was not happy.
“Coconuts,” he answered.

Đó là quả dừa

Mike không được khỏe. Lúc nào anh ta cũng căng thẳng và thường bị đau đầu.
“Hãy tới bác sĩ.” Vợ anh ta khuyên.
Mike không thích tới bác sĩ, nhưng sau một tuần, anh ta cũng chịu tới. Bác sĩ hỏi anh ta rất nhiều câu hỏi và ghi lại những câu trả lời của Mike.
“Anh thường ăn gì và buổi sáng?”, bác sĩ hỏi Mike.
“Trứng, bánh mì, bơ, mứt quả và cà phê.” Mike trả lời.
“Bữa trưa anh dùng gì?,” bác sĩ hỏi.
“Thịt, cá và bánh mì.”
“Thế anh ăn gì trong bữa tối?” bác sĩ hỏi.
“Trứng và bánh mì.”
Sau đó vị bác sĩ phán:
“Hãy ăn hoa quả hàng ngày và ăn cả vỏ của chúng nữa. Vỏ của chúng rất tốt. Anh thích loại hoa quả nào nhất?”
Mike cau có:
“Quả dừa”.

Too short for me…

In the Spring fair, a 4 year old child who got lost was crying. A security guard came to console him and said:

“If you don’t want to get lost, you should have gripped your mother’s dress”.
The boy cried sniffingly:
“But my mother’s skirt was too short for me to grip.”

Quá ngắn để cháu…

Trong một hội chợ xuân, một đứa trẻ 4 tuổi bị lạc đang khóc. Người bảo vệ lại gần an ủi nó và nói:
“Nếu cháu không muốn bị lạc thì phải nắm chặt lấy váy mẹ.”
Cậu bé sụt sịt khóc:
“Nhưng mà váy mẹ cháu quá ngắn để cháu nắm.”

Whisper

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said.
“Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word “pee” in church. From now on when you have to “pee” just tell me that you have to whisper.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father:
“Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said,
“Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

Thì thầm

Một người mẹ dẫn đứa con trai nhỏ của mình tới nhà thờ. Trong buổi lễ, cậu bé nói:
“Mẹ ơi, con muốn đi đái.”
“Từ “đái” không thích hợp để nói trong buổi lễ. Từ giờ trở đi khi nào muốn “đi đái” thì con chỉ nói với mẹ rằng con phải thì thầm, người mẹ nói với đứa trẻ.
Chủ nhật sau, bé trai đó lại đi nhà thờ với bố và trong buổi lễ cậu bé nói với bố:
“Bố ơi con muốn thì thầm.”
Bố cậu nhìn cậu và nói:
“Được thôi, sao con không thì thầm vào tai bố.”

Grandma wouldn’t lie

Little Johnny was at his first day of shool. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, “I pledge allegiance to the flag…”
When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
“Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart.”
Little Johnny replied, “It is over my heart.”
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked,
“Why do you think that is your heart?”
“Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, ‘ Bless your little heart,’ and my Grandma wouldn’t lie.”

Bà sẽ không nói dối

Ngày đầu tiên bé Johnny đến trường. Giáo viên khuyên cả lớp hãy bắt đầu ngày trọng đại này với lời thề trung thành, và hướng dẫn các em đặt tay phải lên tim mình và nhắc lại lời thầy.
Ông nhìn quanh khắp phòng khi bắt đầu đọc lời tuyên thệ:
“Tôi xin thề trung thành dưới cờ tổ quốc…”
Khi mắt ông dừng lại ở chỗ bé Johnny, ông nhận thấy tay cậu bé đặt vào mông bên phải của em.
“Johnny, thầy sẽ không tiếp tục chừng nào con chưa đặt tay mình lên tim.”
“Đó là nơi tim con.” Johnny đặt tay lên tim, thầy giáo hỏi:
“Sao con lại nghĩ đó là nơi tim mình?”
“Bởi vì, mỗi lần bà con đến chơi, bà thường bế con lên, vỗ vào đó và nói: “Cầu chúa ban phúc cho trái tim bé nhỏ của cháu,’ và bà con sẽ không nói dối.”

Elevator

A village boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “ What is this father?”
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching wide- eyed, an old lady,
limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls,
and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them,
into a small room. The walls closed. The boy and his father watched as
small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The
walls opened up again, and walls opened up again, and a beautiful young
blonde steeped out… The father said to his son,
“Go get your mother!!!”

Thang máy
Hai bố con từ quê ra tới thăm một khu phố buôn bán. Dường như tất cả
những gì họ trông thấy đều khiến họ thích thú ngạc nhiên, đặc biệt là
hai tấm vách sang có thể tách rời nhau rồi lại khép khít như cũ.
“Đó là cái gì đấy hả bố?” Cậu con trai hỏi bố.
Người bố (chưa từng nhìn thấy thang máy bao giờ) trả lời:
“Con trai, bố chưa từng nhìn thấy cái gì như vậy trong đời. Bố không biết nó là cái gì?”
Trong khi cả hai bố con đều đang trợn mắt nhìn, một bà lão run rẩy chống
gậy, bước chầm chập tới chỗ hai tấm vách chuyển động và ấn vào một cái
nút. Hai tấm vách mở ra, bà lão đi qua hai cánh cửa bước vào một căn
phòng nhỏ. Hai tấm vách khép lại. Cậu bé và bố thấy những vòng tròn nhỏ
với những con số phía trên tấm vách sáng lên. Họ tiếp tục thấy những
vòng tròn giờ lại sáng lên nhưng theo chiều ngược lại. Hai tấm vách mở
ra, và một cô gái tóc vàng xinh đẹp bước ra… Ông bố vội nói với cậu con
trai:
“Hãy mang mẹ mày tới đây mau!!!”

The arm was guilty

A man was brought before the judge. The witness said that the day before the prisoner had stolen some pears from a basket, outside a grocer’s. The solicitor said to the judge:

“It is true that the prisoner took a few pears with his right arm; his right arm is guilty, but not he himself; you can not punish the whole body because one of its limbs is guilty.”
“You are quite right,” answered the judge, “so I sentence the prisoner’s right arm to six days. Now the prisoner will go to prison with his arm if he likes.”
Everybody at court began to laugh; but people laughed still more when they saw the prisoner unscrew his right arm (it was a wooden arm) He then gave it to the judge, saying: “Here is my guilty arm, Sir I don’t wish to go to prison with it.”

Cánh tay có tội

Một người đàn ông bị đưa ra hầu tòa. Nhân chứng nói rằng, hôm trước bị cáo đã lấy trộm quả lê trong một cái rổ bên ngoài tiệm thực phẩm. Luật sư nói với quan tòa:
“ Đúng là tên này có lấy lê bằng tay phải; tay phải của hắn phạm tội, còn hắn thì không có tội; ngài không thể trừng phạt cả cơ thể của hắn chỉ vì một chân hay một tay của hắn phạm tội.”
“Ngài nói hoàn toàn đúng, vậy thì tôi kết án cánh tay phải của bị cáo sáu ngày giam giữ. Bây giờ thì tên tù này sẽ không phải vào tù với cánh tay phải nếu hắn thích vậy,” quan tòa phán.
Mọi người có mặt trong phiên tòa bắt đầu cười ầm ĩ; nhưng họ còn cười to hơn khi thấy tù tháo ốc nơi cánh tay phải của hắn ra (cánh tay làm bằng gỗ). Sau đó hắn đưa nó cho quan tòa và nói: -“Đây là cánh tay phải của tôi, thưa ngài, tôi không muốn vào tù cùng với nó.”

Radio Broken

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director
and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.
“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t
show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

Đài bị hỏng

Một đoàn làm phim đang ở sâu trong sa mạc. Một hôm một cụ già da đỏ tới gặp trưởng đoàn và nói rằng:
“Ngày mai trời sẽ mưa.”
Hôm sau trời mưa thật. Một tuần sau, cụ già đó lại tới gặp trưởng đoàn
và nói: “Ngày mai trời đổ bão.” Quả nhiên hôm sau có một trận bão lớn.
“Người da đỏ đó thật tuyệt,” ông trưởng đoàn nói.
Ông nói viên thư ký thuê người da đỏ đó để dự báo thời tiết. Tuy nhiên
sau một vài lần tiên đoán thành công khác, cụ già da đỏ đó không xuất
hiện trong hai tuần. Trưởng đoàn làm phim cho triệu ông ta tới. “Tôi
phải quay một cảnh rất quan trọng vào ngày mai,” ông ta nói, “và tôi
trông cậy vào ông. Thời tiết ngày mai như thế nào?”
Người da đỏ nhún vai.
“Không biết, đài bị hỏng,” ông ta trả lời.

Handwriting

Sir” hissed the lawyer, “do you swear this is not your signature?”
“Yes.”
“Is it not your handwriting?”

“Nope” “You take your solemn oath that this writing does not resemble yours in a single particular?” “Yes” “How can you be certain?”, demanded the lawyer.

“I can’t write,” smiled the man.

Chữ viết tay

“Thưa ngài,” luật sư rít lên giận dữ, “ngài có dám thề rằng đây không phải là chữ ký của ngài không?”

“Vâng” “Đó không phải là chữ viết của ngài sao?”

“Hoàn toàn không.”

“Ngài thề danh dự rằng chữ viết này không hề giống chữ của ngày một chút nào chứ?”

“Vâng” “Sao ngài có thể chắc chắn như vậy?”, vị luật sư hỏi.

“Tôi không biết viết.” người đàn ông mỉm cười.

Lucy

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world.

One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First, she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, “when I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.” Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, “Aren’t you pleased that you’ve come to live with us now?” Bé Lucy Một bà mẹ trẻ cho là phí phạm thực phẩm trong khi có nhiều người đang đói trên thế giới là một điều rất sai trái. Một tối nọ chị cho cô con gái nhỏ dùng bữa ăn nhẹ trước khi cho bé đi ngủ. Trước tiên, chị đưa cho bé một lát bánh mì nâu mới được phết bơ, nhưng cô bé nói là nó không thích như vậy. Bé đòi phết cả một ít mứt trái cây lên trên bánh nữa.

Mẹ bé nhìn bé một lát rồi nói: -“Khi mẹ còn bé như con, Lucy à, mẹ chỉ được ăn hoặc bánh mì phết bơ, hoặc bánh mì phết mứt, mà không bao giờ có bánh mì vừa phết bơ vừa phết mứt cả.”

Lucy nhìn mẹ với cặp mắt thương hại trong giây lát rồi ân cần nói với mẹ:

-“Thế mẹ có hài lòng là mẹ đã tới sống với bố và con bây giờ không?”

Stone and Stone – Breaker

A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began:

“My name is Stone, and I’m even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there’ll be trouble. Don’t try any tricks with me, and then we’ll get on well together.” Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. “Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,” he said, and don’t forget to call me “sir”. Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained last one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, “When I ask you a question, answer it! I’ll ask you again: What’s your name, soldier?”

The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied.

“My name’s Stone-breaker, sir”, he said nervously.

Đá và người đập vỡ đá

Một sĩ quan nghiêm khắc nói chuyện với một số lính mới mà ông ta phải huấn luyện. Ông chưa gặp họ bao giờ. Ông nói:

“Tên tôi là Stone (nghĩa là đá) và tôi cứng rắn hơn đá. Cho nên phải làm đúng như tôi đã ra lệnh, nếu các anh không muốn gặp rắc rối. Đừng tìm cách đánh lừa tôi. Như thế chúng ta sẽ thoải mái với nhau hơn.”

Rồi ông ta đến chỗ từng người lính hỏi tên.

“Nói to lên cho mọi người cũng nghe rõ. Và đừng có quên “thưa ngài đấy nhé.”

Từng người lính nói tên của mình, và rồi đến người cuối cùng. Người lính này đứng im. Đại úy Stone hét lên:

“Khi tôi hỏi, anh phải trả lời. Tôi hỏi lại: tên anh là gì, anh lính kia?”

Người lính tỏ vẻ không vui nhưng cuối cùng anh ta cũng lung túng trả lời:

“Tên tôi là Stonebreaker (nghĩa là: người đập vỡ đá), thưa ngài.

Because of absence

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.

Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Vì vắng mặt

Mẹ : “Tại sao con lại bị điểm thấp như vậy trong bài kiểm tra đó hả?”
Con trai: “Bởi vì vắng mặt ”
Mẹ : ” Con muốn nói rằng đã vắng mặt vào ngày có bài kiểm tra đó à ? ”
Con trai : ” Không, đứa vắng mặt là đứa ngồi cạnh con cơ. ”

Little Johnny Boy

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying.

“Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”.
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stoop up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”

Bé Johnny
Một giáo viên mới vào nghề đang thử áp dụng môn tâm lý của mình. Cô bắt đầu bài giảng bằng cách nói:
“Em nào nghĩ rằng mình ngu ngốc thì hãy đứng lên!”
Một vài phút sau, bé Johnny đứng dậy.
“Em nghĩ rằng em ngu ngốc hả, Johnny,” cô giáo hỏi.
“Không, thưa cô, nhưng em không thích phải nhìn thấy cô đứng đó mỗi một mình.”

Day Off

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Grammar notes

– ask for something: đòi hỏi cái gì Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.

– per: mỗi There are 365 days per year available for work.

Break into a house

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

New words and phrases:

-burglar:kẻ trộm đêm, kẻ trộm bẻ khóa, kẻ trộm đào ngạch

-court:tòa án

-sergeant:hạ sĩ cảnh sát

– Cấu trúc:

+ break into: đột nhập, He broke into my house last night.

+ get a chance: có cơ hội

You’ll get a chance in court.

Conjugation

Another day in class, the teacher tells a student to conjugate the verb “to walk” in Present Simple tense. And the student starts saying, “I walk. You walk…”

Suddenly, the teacher interrupts him and says, “Quicker! Please,”

So the student says, “I run. You run. He runs. She runs…”

The parrot

A woman went to a pet shop .She immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little ?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw and said: “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Wayne came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Wayne !”

New sports car

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.
The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats

He turns around and sees she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car.

He looks back to see that she’s laughing. He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard, she’s about to fall down. He demands, “What’s so funny?”

She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

Cụm từ:

– to cut out: ngáng đường xe sau để vươitj xe trước (xe ô tô)

– to pull out: lái xe về phía bờ đường

– to get out: xuống xe, lấy ra

– to fall down: rơi xuống, ngã xuống, thất bại

Blonde selling car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “as long as I can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said her friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

Grammar notes:

Cụm từ:

– To have a problem = to have a difficulty: gặp khó khăn

– as long as + S + V …: Miễn là …

As long as the work is finished by 5pm at the latest, we won’t miss the deadline (Miễn là công việc được hoàn thành ít nhất là trước 5 giờ chiều, thì chúng ta sẽ không bị quá hạn)

– to turn back: điều chỉnh lại

Is the wife in control?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.”

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!” Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”

Grammar notes:

– get mad: tức giận, nổi giậy God got mad and said…

– be ashamed of oneself: tự cảm thấy xấu hổ về chính bản thân. You men should be ashamed of yourselves.

Fancy Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and…'”

Grammar notes

– fancy (adj): chất lượng cao (khi nói về thức ăn)

Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?

– You said it: dùng để đồng ý với điều mà người khác vừa nói.

You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way

What’s The Charge?

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.

“Of course”, the lawyer replied

“I charge $200 to answer three questions!”

“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is”, said the lawyer,

“And what’s your third question?”

Grammar notes:

– Câu hỏi đuôi (tag question): Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?

– Cụm từ:

a bit: một chút, hơi… That’s a bit steep.

I Didn’t Do It!

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do. ”

The mother exclaimed,

“But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied,

“My homework.”

Grammar notes:

– be punish for something: bị trừng phạt vì cái gì (lỗi, làm gì sai…) I was punished for something that I didn’t do.

– have a talk with somebody: nói chuyện với ai. I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this.

– by the way: À mà, mà này… by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Try to explain women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
“Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”.

“OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”

GOD says, “So you would like them.”

“OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”

“So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?”

GOD says, “So they would love you!”

Grammar notes:

– how come: Dùng để hỏi về lý do của một sự việc…

Why Men Are Happier

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can “do” their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Everything on a man’s face stays its original color.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week’s vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men’s new shoes don’t cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don’t have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental – 100 bucks.

Grammar notes

– no matter what: dù thế nào Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

– belong to someone: thuộc về ai The whole garage belongs to them.

That’s Not It!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

Grammar notes

– pick up: cầm lên – put down: đặt xuống The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again.

A Healthy Life

Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he said. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Grammar notes

– well-preserved: trông còn trẻ, không thể hiện các dấu hiệu của tuổi già. How athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

– keep up: giữ vững – He managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

– take a walk: đi dạo – Who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

Thank for…

Doctor: Open your mouth…
Patient: Thanks!
Doctor: Why did you thank me?

Patient: Because my husband always tells me to shut up.

Grammar notes:

– shut up: im đi, câm miệng…

Because my husband always tells me to shut up.

Payback time

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Grammar notes:

– payday: ngày nhân viên được trả lương. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

– instead of: thay vì…

THE LOST KEY

At a restaurant, a guest said angrily:
– Waiter! Why is this key in my soup? What do you think of it?

– Sir, I’m very happy – replied the waiter – I have looked for it everywhere from yesterday. Thank you very much! Thank you very much! It’s lucky that you didn’t swallow up it.

Chiếc chìa khóa bị mất

Tại một nhà hàng, một người khách tức giận nói:
– Anh bồi! Tại sao chiếc chìa khóa này lại ở trong món súp của tôi? Anh nghĩ sao về việc này?
– Thưa ngài, tôi rất vui sướng ạ – Người hầu bàn trả lời – Tôi đã tìm kiếm nó khắp nơi từ hôm qua đến giờ. Cám ơn ông nhiều! Cám ơn ông nhiều!
Thật may mắn là ông đã không nuốt mất nó

Everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Danh từ đi trước để giới thiệu trong các câu tiếng Anh Phải làm gì khi ta không hiểu được các tiếng lóng trong tiếng Anh “Practice makes perfect” The Hen And The Dog That’s the way it is – Celine Dion Unit 47: Reasons for leaving a previous job English Pronunciation Lesson 50: GUFFAW Eating Grass Một số từ, cụm từ tiếng Anh dùng khi nói về khả năng xảy ra việc gì đó Xác định mục tiêu To be born with a silver spoon English Pronunciation Lesson 49: EXTRAORDINARY Unit 46: Interests and free time The Lazy Song Bruno Mars Kinh nghiệm học tiếng Anh dành cho người mới bắt đầu! WORD FORMATION (tiền tố, hậu tố, và các dạng kết hợp) Phân biệt ‘Like’ và ‘As’ Why Do They Have French Lesson? Under the gun English Pronunciation Lesson 48: POSTERITY Unit 45: Describe your greatest strengths and weaknesses If life is so short – The Moffatts Học ngoại ngữ bằng thơ Interesting Idioms Great Mystery Unit 44: The ideal job English Pronunciation Lesson 47: VERTIGOL A SHOULDER TO CRY ON – TOMMY PAGE Các cụm từ tiếng Anh đi với động từ TAKE Muốn bày tỏ sự cảm thông, chia buồn qua ngôn ngữ tiếng Anh, chúng ta sẽ diễn đạt thế nào? Với tiếng Anh, học là một chuyện, dùng được lại là một chuyện Nothing ventured, nothing gained The French People Have Difficulty English Pronunciation Lesson 46: INCOGNITO Unit 43: Special Skills When You Believe – Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston – Một số cụm, mẫu câu tiếng Anh được dùng khi đưa ra ý kiến của bản thân Cách học Từ vựng Tiếng Anh siêu tốc Cụm từ “As well as” Một số thành ngữ về money Let’s Work Together Unit 42: Previous job experience English Pronunciation Lesson 45: THWART Taylor Swift – I’m Only Me When I’m With You Một số mẫu câu tiếng Anh thường dùng khi muốn mua quà tặng ai đó. Thành ngữ nói về sự nỗ lực, cố gắng A Cow Grazing English Pronunciation Lesson 44 – EERIE Sử dụng đúng “That” và “Which” Để nói tiếng Anh lưu loát
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.

2. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

3. Good: Your daughter is dating someone new.

Bad: It’s another man.

Ugly: He’s your best friend.

4. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

What A Gesture (Một cử chỉ)

Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course.

One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

“Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that,” his friend said.

Clyde replied “Well, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least that I could do.”

Grammar notes:

a round of…: một hiệp, vòng thi đấu Two men were playing a round of golf one day

Temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Grammar notes:

– back and forth: đi vào đi ra, di chuyển từ vị trí này đến vị trí khác rồi lại quay lại chỗ đầu. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry

What day is today?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life! ”

Grammar notes:

– Groundhog Day: Ngày chuột chũi, 1 ngày lễ được tổ chức vào ngày 02 tháng 2 ở Mỹ và Canada. Theo dân gian, vào ngày này chuột chũi hết kỳ ngủ đông, nó sẽ rời khỏi hang và nếu trời có nhiều mây thì nó sẽ bỏ đi, báo hiệu mùa đông sẽ kết thúc. Nhưng nếu hôm đó trời nắng, chuột chũi “nhìn thấy bóng của nó” và quay trở vào trong hang thì mùa đông sẽ kéo dài thêm 6 tuần nữa.

The Genie (Thần)

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

Grammar notes

– be able to do something: có thể làm gì I would like to be able to understand women.

– get along with: có quan hệ tốt đẹp với ai. why are they so difficult to get along with?

– what make somebody tick: điều gì làm ai đó cư xử theo kiểu của họ. Basically, what makes them tick?

In or Out

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

Control Over Wives

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, “Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?”

“I’ll tell you,” Fred replies. “Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”

The other two were absolutely amazed. “What happened then?”, Joe asked.

“She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!”.

Grammar notes

– control over someone/ something: có sức, quyền kiểm soát ai, cái gì. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives.

A Million Dollars

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”

And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.”

The man stopped and pondered some more.

He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”

God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.”

So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.”

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replied, “In a second.”

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